if a cow laughed, would milk come out its nose???

chinese. yum.

i really don't think its wrong to look at guys and judge them based off of their looks... they do that to us every single day. i'm sick of the girls who go for guys that are not good enough for them and use the "they are nice" card. if you look at a guy and he is sexy just say he is sexy my god.

time to be summer. pretty pretty please

you're the pretty eyed girl with no care in the world and that big fake smile glued across her cheeks. whos breaking breaking breaking down on the inside. you stutter and shake trying to escape the quivers and quakes when you're sitting alone at home wondering where you need to be in your life. and then i ask myself why. this pretty eyed girl who holds the world in the palm of her hands is falling apart wanting to restart the life that she has the life she was given. and the more i look at her the more i see the anger in her eyes. and the sadness. i know she cries. and the hole in her heart. she's trying her best not to fall apart at my feet. she's under a curse and im trying to find a way to break this spell that is binding her arms and tying her down to the ground. no innocent eyes. no time for goodbyes. baby please don't cry because i'm starting to realize that we're tied at the hip and i dont know how to let you go. because i'm fuckin up the flow of things and i know that you don't appreciate everything that i need to be. for me.

sometimes when i'm alone i wonder, is there a spell that i'm under, keeping me from seeing the real thing?

the dial tone- answer your phone. stop acting so at home. you're all alone. you make it seem like you're everything you need to be. you're pathetic. sitting on the couch staring at the static on the television screen. wishing you could be part of that happy family you cut out from better homes and gardens magazines when you were just ten years old with no one to hold except that baby doll sitting in the corner. now. lets get back to reality. you're nothing more than the girl sittin at the table in the corner wanting to be everything she can't be. the blonde haired bitch with the big ring and the house with a baby. 

stop looking at me like you know me. you don't. there's no way that you own me. i'm wondering why that i'm still living in this house smiling at these jokes holding your hand pretending you care about me when you dont. used to be just us to but now i'm sitting here trying to forget all the lies you told all the words that hold me to who you think i need to be. you dont even know me. you're breaking me down holding me up. so sick of this roller coaster of emotions- feelings erupt. and you know that im broken im bleeding inside im unfeeling but i'm still breathing, hearts still beating. barely. i try to stand up. you push me down. but imma stand up now. stand up proud. get off of your balcony. quit lookin down on me. quit acting like you hold me to who you think that i need to be. this is my life its not yours so stop injecting yourself to where you think that you need to be. i dont want you near me i want you to hear me listen instead of missin hearing the sound of your own voice. it haunts me. taunts me. makes me feel like i need to be better than you make me out to be. 

you suck. santa's not coming to your house this year.

it's all for you, down to every crystal, every piece of glitter. i want you to notice. i want you to care. i want it to be pretty. i open my books, not my legs. i want you to judge me. i want you to see me and have ideas in your head and have ideas in your head as to what you think i am, whether they're good or bad. people always have misconceptions of me. i want to surprise you when you underestimate me. i want to prove your judgements wrong and show you i'm not what you expect.

i'm a woman of very few words, but lots of actions.

"today my boyfriend renamed all the contacts in my phone to see if i'd notice. thanks to him, i've been sending dirty texts to my boss. the worst part is my boss was responding back. FML."

"today i got stuck in a small elevator. it started to violently judder up and down after i pressed the 'help buzzer' the man on the intercom wouldn't stop laughing at how my voice was jumpy from the juddering movements before he called for help. FML."

"today my wife was tired, so i gave her some quiet time, i took our daughters out grocery shopping. a woman at the store asked my four year old if she was having fun shopping with  her daddy. she answered, 'he's not my real daddy.' FML."


"today i found my mom eating cat biscuits. we don't have a cat. FML."

i think that i've done enough thinking for one day.. i've got more than a little on my mind and i think i'm finally starting to realize that i need to do what's good for me instead of pleasing everyone else. i need to be happy- really really happy. because i haven't been in a long time. hmm..... i'm being depressing today. i'll think less tomorrow haha 

welcome to the wild wild west.

once i wrote you a letter. telling you all of the things that i wish i could say. but could never really say.

nail polish colors....they make me happy ;)

cajun shrimp. you're a pisa work. blue my mind. teal the cows come home. on the same paige. cha-ching cherry. atomic orange. my private jet. shrimply divine. lincoln park after dark. funky dunkey. sparkle-icious. conga-line coral. chocolate shake-speare. color so hot it berns. chop-sticking to my story. paint my moji-toes red. catch me in your net. ladies and magenta-men. chick flick cherry. midnight in moscow. light my sapphire. simply smashing. a grape fit. green-wich village. too hot pink to hold-em. rose at dawn.. broke by noon.  Houston we have a purple. gargantuan green grape. no spain no gain. flirt. jade is the new black. bright lights- big color. tickle my france-y. i'm indi-a mood for love.

with flaming locks of auburn hair

with ivory skin

and eyes of emerald green

your smile is like a breath of spring

your voice is soft like summer rain.

just gonna stand there and watch me burn

but that's alright because i like the way it hurts

just gonna stand there and hear me cry

but that's alright because i love the way you lie

i love the way you lie, i love the way you lie

i can't tell you what it really is

i can only tell you what it feels like

and right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe

i can't breathe, but i still fight while i can fight

as long as the wrong feels right, its like i'm in flight

high off of love, drunk from the hate

it's like i'm huffing paint

and i love it the more that i suffer- i suffocate

and right before i'm about to drown, she resuscitates me

she fucking hates me- and i love it.

wait. where are you going, i'm leaving you, no you aint, come back

we're running right back here we go again

it's so insane cause when it's going good its going great

i'm superman with the wind in his bag, she's lois lane

but when it's bad its awful i feel so ashamed

i snap. who's that dude. i don't even know his name

i laid hands on her, i'll never stoop so low again

i guess i don't know my own strength

just gonna stand there and watch me burn

but that's alright because i like the way it hurts

just gonna stand there and hear me cry

but that's alright because i love the way you lie

i love the way you lie, i love the way you lie.

you ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe 

 when you're with them

you meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em

got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills used to get 'em

now you're getting fucking sick of looking at 'em

you swore you've never hit 'em

never do nothing to hurt 'em

now you're in each other's face spewing venom

and these words when you spit 'em

you push- pull each other's hair

 scratch, claw, bite 'em

 throw 'em down- pin 'em

so lost in the moments

when you're with 'em it's the rage that took over-it controls you both 

so they say it's best to go your separate ways

guess that they don't know ya- cause today that was yesterday

yesterday is over- it's a different day

sound like broken records playin' over 

but you promised her next time you'll show restraint 

you don't get another chance, life is no nintendo game

but you lied again now you get to watch her leave out the window

guess that's why they call it window pane.

just gonna stand there and watch me burn

but that's alright because i like the way it hurts

just gonna stand there and hear me cry

but that's alright because i love the way you lie

i love the way you lie, i love the way you lie.

now i know we said things

did things that we didn't mean

and we fall back into the same patterns-same routine

but your temper's just as bad as mine is

you're the same as me

but when it comes to love you're just as blinded

baby please come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me

maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems

maybe that's what happens

when a tornado mets a volcano

all i know is i love you way to much to walk away though 

come inside- pick up your bags off the sidewalk

don't you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk

t0ld you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball

next time i'm pissed, i'll aim my fist at the drywall

next time- there will be no next time

i apologize even though i know it's lies

i'm tired of the games i just want her back

i know i'm a liar 

if she ever tries to fucking leave again 

i'mma tie her to the bed and set the house on fire.

just gonna stand there and watch me burn

but that's alright because i like the way it hurts

just gonna stand there and hear me cry

but that's alright because i love the way you lie

i love the way you lie, i love the way you lie.

there comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. so don't worry about the people in your  past there's a reason they didn't make it to your future.

i used to love the way you would look at me after we kissed. i used to love the big hugs you'd give me where i felt like you would never let go because you were part of me. i used to love how you would pick me up and make me the princess while you played prince charming.i used to love the fact that you laid in the hammock with me staring at the stars not saying anything because we didn't need to. i used to love our nicknames. i used to love the way you made me laugh i felt so high like i could never fall. i used to love walking out of your house with that smile on my face because i knew that you loved me more than anything in the world. i used to love sitting on my kitchen floor eating cookie dough with you. i used to love "our side of the pool". i used to love your eyes and how honest they were- how they could never lie to me- how there was an innocence to them. i used to love how you could never break a promise to me. i used to love how you would never give up on me and how you always had my back when i needed someone there. i used to love the good morning texts and the good night phone calls. i used to love the feeling of your necklace hanging around my neck because i knew that you were mine and that i was your girl. i used to love the smell of your cologne on my skin. i used to love wearing your t-shirts and jackets. i used to love how you wanted me in your future. i used to love the crazy weird things we did and our inside jokes. i used to love the name amity. i used to love cuddling with you under that disgusting green colored blanket on your bean bag. i used to love when i would get mad at you and walk out or go sit somewhere else and you would come over and kiss me and it would be all better. i used to love running my fingers through your hair. i used to love the fourth of july. i used to love talking to you late because i woke up missing you and you were missing me. i used to love seeing you smile back at me. i used to love eating pepperoni sausage and bacon pizza with you watching gossip girl at eleven o'clock at night and how it only took an hour to order the pizza. i used to love the way you would tease me. i used to love when your arms would wrap around me while i was doing something and i knew it was you. i used to love playing frisbee at the park. i used to love sitting in movie theatre hallways. i used to love golden spoon ice cream and my red victoria's secret jacket. i used to love our long walks and deep talks. i used to love when you would whisper to me. i used to love that no matter what we made up. i used to love hearing you call me pumpkin. i used to love kissing underwater. i used to love when you would tuck flowers behind my ear. i used to love summer days. i used to love sailboat rides. i used to love fairs and cotton candy and running through the sprinklers. i used to love subway. i used to love when you would understand if i cried. i used to love when after we kiss we would look at each other with eyes unfocused, noses touching, smiling because we were genuinely happy. i used to love me and you. but now that is gone and its time to really move on. 

its the dreams that keep you dreaming...

deadly- dangerous- you know that you want it but you know you can't have it. because its the poison that sits on your lips and the sins that keep you sinning. its the hell you never knew and no chance of ever forgetting. its the smile on your face and that dance with the devil in the heat of the moment choosing fire over ice. its the lust and the regret- don't pretend its love you know its not. its the dark that swallows the light. its the laugh at the end of the movie when the shark is coming in frigid waters and the music begins to trill. it's tempting. its pleasing. its all that god damn teasing. now isn't it.

sometimes it hurts remembering the way you used to look at me, the way we used to be so happy together. sometimes i miss playing with your hair or when you kiss my forehead but i'm still alive and i'm still breathing and i know that you're okay but i'm not yet. all i'm asking is that you say hello and stop acting like "me and you" never existed because we both know that would be a lie... but then again. maybe that's your pathetic way of dealing with it.

welcome to compete utter chaos.

take an old picture and try and find the story behind it. because there is a story behind everything isn't there???

a friend sung for me at lunch today and i must say... i think i fell in love hahaha. there is something about music that really gets to me. i've always loved it but it can really sway me different ways and i never really payed much attention to it before. it can hurt. it can make you smile. it can make you laugh. it can give you hope. it can make you reminisce. it can make you feel pain. it can make you cry. and that beat seems to flow seamlessly through your veins, pulsing in your eardrums as you fall out of reality and into the music. and that is why i love it so much. 

"why did i think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?"

"why the hell didn't you wear your jesus shoes. Come on Natalie..."

"You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me and managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls"

"One date. That's all it took. I want to have his genius babies in me. One date."

"It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Denny's.. at 4 AM.. with Lemonade"

"They named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone."

"I've never played a more sexually-tense game of uno in my life"

"Thanks for last night. Sorry if I was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius"

don't look at me with those big sad eyes and that empty smile.  you're too good for that baby girl. you try and act so big and strong, but we all know that there is a broken girl on the inside. 

story. story. story. story.

I met him February 18th, at the ballet studio. He had been there to pick up his little sister Cara who was in a class across from mine. I was doing a solo- I remember it was to Music of the Spheres Passacaglia... for social violins...I was wearing my pearl pink colored leotard with my black leg-warmers and by point shoes. I was sweaty, I’d been practicing for hours and my hair was beginning to loosely fall out of my bun. He was watching me. I couldn’t help but notice his eyes following me in the mirror... I stopped after my run and looked in the mirror back at him, he kind of smiled, I didn’t know wether to keep looking at him, or to look away. After a while, I walked out. He was sitting alone in the studio, Cara was still in her class with thirteen other little little girls running around in ruffly pink tutus... he looked at me, smiled, and said ‘It’s beautiful to watch you dance.’ He was sitting there looking up at me with his hands folded in his lap, wearing a black and gray flannel and dark wash jeans. I remember smiling back at him and saying ‘thank you very much.’ We ended talking for about twenty minutes. He asked if he’d see me here again. I told him every day.

i generally avoid temptation, unless i can't resist it.

welcomes to the beaches and the bikinis, the honey blonde hair and sun kissed skin. welcome to the bell button piercings and the late nights out. welcome to the sun hanging high in the sky and the cloudless blue horizon that connects to the sea. welcome to the boardwalks and the ray ban sunglasses and driving with the top down, hair whipping around your face. welcome to the days that seem to last forever.

it's just so hard being so god damn beautiful!

a fire reflected in a lake cannot burn the water. neither can emotions disturb the mind when you don't allow yourself to become involved in them. don't identify an emotion as your self. the fear or anger is not you, only an impersonal phenomenon. mentally pull back from the emotion and turn your awareness around to observe it. when in the grip of negative emotion we tend to believe it will never end. but emotions are no more permanent than thoughts. with continued practice you'll find that you only have to wait and any emotion, whether pleasant or unpleasant, is bound to change.

"i had wrote a letter saying how much I loved his music to his fan club. at the end i made a joke saying that if he ever read this letter to please take me to my prom since my boyfriend had just broken up with me. About a month later there was a knock at my door and it was him! he was by himself. No reporters, no homies just 2pac Shakur at my doorstep. He came in and talked to me and my mom and my brother for about fifteen minutes and asked me if I had gotten a dress yet. I said no and he said he would take care of it and gave me $1500 in all hundred dollar bills and told me to get something pretty. Prom day came and he called and said to be ready. A limo showed up with 2pac in it and went straight to my prom. Everyone was going crazy taking pictures but we hung out there for about thirty minutes. We danced to about five songs then he said he had business to take care of and kissed me on the cheek and left.  I think the world lost a great person when 2pac was killed and i will always remember his kindness."

you're giving me butterflies, butterflies again

wouldn't it be fun to have a baby panther or jaguar or cheetah or leopard or something? i think it would.

the doors. oh my god. i am in love. seriously. this band- AHHHH. i watched the movie "the doors" with my daddy. we sat on the couch while my mom and sister were gone and we turned it on and ate raspberry white chocolate chip cheese cake from Claim Jumper and  watched this movie and it just made me fall in love with the doors. i liked them before but i never really appreciated their music and i am totally in love with them now. everything they stand for. they were for revolutionizing the music industry, about sex drugs and rock and roll, about testing limits and crossing boundaries, kicking the line drawn in the sand until it was just dust, about uncensored music, about saying what they wanted and not caring what anyone else thought about it. i love the fact that half of their songs were created while they were completely intoxicated and under the influence and they still managed to create some of the best songs ever. And how their music is so unprocessed. They are amazing. i could go on for dayyzzzzz hehe :)

i act like shit don't phase me

inside it drives me crazy

just another story... obviously not the picture the story is based off but i think you'll get the picture haha

Jennings told me to make it perfect. I hated this magazine and editing these pictures. The whole industry was fake- they sold shit that was all airbrushed and cut apart to make the girls look like plastic dolls. Too bad I was the one who made everything look like that. As I stared at the large, glossy screen I couldn’t help but become wrapped around the images that appeared. The pictures were going to be vividly etched in my mind for a long time. For some reason, I couldn’t seem to let go of her face- it was as though it was going to be permanently burned into my thoughts. Her tawny colored hair whipped around her face, hanging against her porcelain skin. Greens, grays, and blues were spooled together to create a ribbon of colors in the irises of her eyes. Was the color azure blue? Or was is emerald green or dove gray? I couldn’t tell. A line of black eye liner rimmed the edges of her almond shaped eyes, complimented by smokey, black eye makeup and mascara that made her eye lashes look too long to be real. Her smile looked like it came from the toothpaste ad with full, pink lips that arched in two perfect bumps, separated in the center. She had long, silky hair that hung in loose curls around the edges of her face. A light cerulean blue, baby doll dress was held closely to her chest then flowed out, much like a wave when it crashes against rugged rocks on  a coast line- when the colors wash out and just leave a frothy white and light blue mixture, throwing an explosion of the water into the air. Her body was sprawled across the rocks. She looked godly, almost supernatural. You never saw this kind of beauty. She extended her neck, a little arch was formed in her back and her perfectly sculpted face was tilted back. The girl closed her eyes, seeming to absorb the sun’s rays. I wished I could know her, figure out what she’s like. I wanted to know what made her tick- how she really felt about things. This girl looked confident, unstoppable. I traced the contours of her body with my eyes. Perfection. Each line looked painted, like she was some kind of masterpiece God had created to make the rest of us on this damn planet envy her. I could picture the camera clicking in my mind, snapping the images as she posed for the photographer. She knew her stuff. Her body twisted and curved, bending and molding herself into positions I’d never seen before. All for a few pictures. I accentuated the concave in her back, thinning her already tiny waist and smoothed out the top of the dress that wrapped around her chest. The lines were smooth and long, shaped perfectly. Plastic. A silver chain hung around her neck, falling over those perfect collar bones that formed two, fragile lines beneath her skin. The bones framed the silver, heart shaped pendant that rested against her skin.  There was not a single freckle on her face or a blemish on her skin. I could see where a section of hair may have been blown by the wind, only to be immediately tucked back into place by the awaiting crew. Their job was only to make everything happen- get the snobby, hundred pound models their water, do their makeup, tie the little strings on the bikinis that were being modeled for Dolce and Gabanna’s new line, zipping up the dresses by Michael Kors and Versace, buckling on the thousand dollar heels by Jimmy Choo and making sure everything went as planned. I studied the picture a little harder. The girl looked exotic, her bronzed shoulders were pushed back as she arched her back much like a mermaid would in a movie as she basked playfully in the sunshine. Her statuesque beauty was thrilling. I let my eyes skim over the picture as I looked at it fondly. It was as though she was glowing. She was like a life sized barbie doll, someone who was too perfect to be real. It’s because she wasn’t. I smiled at the thought of the girl I remembered, knowing I would never see her again. That girl on the screen with the perfectly toned, slim body and proportioned features couldn’t be real. I had retouched every aspect of her image. Of course she looked better than before, how could she not. I couldn’t help but feel saddened by the fact that this extraordinary beauty could never be real, not in this world. I finally came to a conclusion. She was a goddess.