Wednesday, February 16, 2011

i think that i've done enough thinking for one day.. i've got more than a little on my mind and i think i'm finally starting to realize that i need to do what's good for me instead of pleasing everyone else. i need to be happy- really really happy. because i haven't been in a long time. hmm..... i'm being depressing today. i'll think less tomorrow haha 
welcome to the wild wild west.
once i wrote you a letter. telling you all of the things that i wish i could say. but could never really say.

nail polish colors....they make me happy ;)

cajun shrimp. you're a pisa work. blue my mind. teal the cows come home. on the same paige. cha-ching cherry. atomic orange. my private jet. shrimply divine. lincoln park after dark. funky dunkey. sparkle-icious. conga-line coral. chocolate shake-speare. color so hot it berns. chop-sticking to my story. paint my moji-toes red. catch me in your net. ladies and magenta-men. chick flick cherry. midnight in moscow. light my sapphire. simply smashing. a grape fit. green-wich village. too hot pink to hold-em. rose at dawn.. broke by noon.  Houston we have a purple. gargantuan green grape. no spain no gain. flirt. jade is the new black. bright lights- big color. tickle my france-y. i'm indi-a mood for love.

with flaming locks of auburn hair
with ivory skin
and eyes of emerald green
your smile is like a breath of spring
your voice is soft like summer rain.

just gonna stand there and watch me burn
but that's alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but that's alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie, i love the way you lie

i can't tell you what it really is
i can only tell you what it feels like
and right now there's a steel knife in my windpipe
i can't breathe, but i still fight while i can fight
as long as the wrong feels right, its like i'm in flight
high off of love, drunk from the hate
it's like i'm huffing paint
and i love it the more that i suffer- i suffocate
and right before i'm about to drown, she resuscitates me
she fucking hates me- and i love it.
wait. where are you going, i'm leaving you, no you aint, come back
we're running right back here we go again
it's so insane cause when it's going good its going great
i'm superman with the wind in his bag, she's lois lane
but when it's bad its awful i feel so ashamed
i snap. who's that dude. i don't even know his name
i laid hands on her, i'll never stoop so low again
i guess i don't know my own strength

just gonna stand there and watch me burn
but that's alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but that's alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie, i love the way you lie.

you ever love somebody so much you can barely breathe 
 when you're with them
you meet and neither one of you even know what hit 'em
got that warm fuzzy feeling, yeah them chills used to get 'em
now you're getting fucking sick of looking at 'em
you swore you've never hit 'em
never do nothing to hurt 'em
now you're in each other's face spewing venom
and these words when you spit 'em
you push- pull each other's hair
 scratch, claw, bite 'em
 throw 'em down- pin 'em
so lost in the moments
when you're with 'em it's the rage that took over-it controls you both 
so they say it's best to go your separate ways
guess that they don't know ya- cause today that was yesterday
yesterday is over- it's a different day
sound like broken records playin' over 
but you promised her next time you'll show restraint 
you don't get another chance, life is no nintendo game
but you lied again now you get to watch her leave out the window
guess that's why they call it window pane.

just gonna stand there and watch me burn
but that's alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but that's alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie, i love the way you lie.

now i know we said things
did things that we didn't mean
and we fall back into the same patterns-same routine
but your temper's just as bad as mine is
you're the same as me
but when it comes to love you're just as blinded
baby please come back, it wasn't you, baby it was me
maybe our relationship isn't as crazy as it seems
maybe that's what happens
when a tornado mets a volcano
all i know is i love you way to much to walk away though 
come inside- pick up your bags off the sidewalk
don't you hear sincerity in my voice when i talk
t0ld you this is my fault, look me in the eyeball
next time i'm pissed, i'll aim my fist at the drywall
next time- there will be no next time
i apologize even though i know it's lies
i'm tired of the games i just want her back
i know i'm a liar 
if she ever tries to fucking leave again 
i'mma tie her to the bed and set the house on fire.

just gonna stand there and watch me burn
but that's alright because i like the way it hurts
just gonna stand there and hear me cry
but that's alright because i love the way you lie
i love the way you lie, i love the way you lie.

there comes a point in your life when you realize who matters, who never did, who won't anymore, and who always will. so don't worry about the people in your  past there's a reason they didn't make it to your future.
i used to love the way you would look at me after we kissed. i used to love the big hugs you'd give me where i felt like you would never let go because you were part of me. i used to love how you would pick me up and make me the princess while you played prince charming.i used to love the fact that you laid in the hammock with me staring at the stars not saying anything because we didn't need to. i used to love our nicknames. i used to love the way you made me laugh i felt so high like i could never fall. i used to love walking out of your house with that smile on my face because i knew that you loved me more than anything in the world. i used to love sitting on my kitchen floor eating cookie dough with you. i used to love "our side of the pool". i used to love your eyes and how honest they were- how they could never lie to me- how there was an innocence to them. i used to love how you could never break a promise to me. i used to love how you would never give up on me and how you always had my back when i needed someone there. i used to love the good morning texts and the good night phone calls. i used to love the feeling of your necklace hanging around my neck because i knew that you were mine and that i was your girl. i used to love the smell of your cologne on my skin. i used to love wearing your t-shirts and jackets. i used to love how you wanted me in your future. i used to love the crazy weird things we did and our inside jokes. i used to love the name amity. i used to love cuddling with you under that disgusting green colored blanket on your bean bag. i used to love when i would get mad at you and walk out or go sit somewhere else and you would come over and kiss me and it would be all better. i used to love running my fingers through your hair. i used to love the fourth of july. i used to love talking to you late because i woke up missing you and you were missing me. i used to love seeing you smile back at me. i used to love eating pepperoni sausage and bacon pizza with you watching gossip girl at eleven o'clock at night and how it only took an hour to order the pizza. i used to love the way you would tease me. i used to love when your arms would wrap around me while i was doing something and i knew it was you. i used to love playing frisbee at the park. i used to love sitting in movie theatre hallways. i used to love golden spoon ice cream and my red victoria's secret jacket. i used to love our long walks and deep talks. i used to love when you would whisper to me. i used to love that no matter what we made up. i used to love hearing you call me pumpkin. i used to love kissing underwater. i used to love when you would tuck flowers behind my ear. i used to love summer days. i used to love sailboat rides. i used to love fairs and cotton candy and running through the sprinklers. i used to love subway. i used to love when you would understand if i cried. i used to love when after we kiss we would look at each other with eyes unfocused, noses touching, smiling because we were genuinely happy. i used to love me and you. but now that is gone and its time to really move on. 
its the dreams that keep you dreaming...

deadly- dangerous- you know that you want it but you know you can't have it. because its the poison that sits on your lips and the sins that keep you sinning. its the hell you never knew and no chance of ever forgetting. its the smile on your face and that dance with the devil in the heat of the moment choosing fire over ice. its the lust and the regret- don't pretend its love you know its not. its the dark that swallows the light. its the laugh at the end of the movie when the shark is coming in frigid waters and the music begins to trill. it's tempting. its pleasing. its all that god damn teasing. now isn't it.

sometimes it hurts remembering the way you used to look at me, the way we used to be so happy together. sometimes i miss playing with your hair or when you kiss my forehead but i'm still alive and i'm still breathing and i know that you're okay but i'm not yet. all i'm asking is that you say hello and stop acting like "me and you" never existed because we both know that would be a lie... but then again. maybe that's your pathetic way of dealing with it.

welcome to compete utter chaos.

take an old picture and try and find the story behind it. because there is a story behind everything isn't there???

a friend sung for me at lunch today and i must say... i think i fell in love hahaha. there is something about music that really gets to me. i've always loved it but it can really sway me different ways and i never really payed much attention to it before. it can hurt. it can make you smile. it can make you laugh. it can give you hope. it can make you reminisce. it can make you feel pain. it can make you cry. and that beat seems to flow seamlessly through your veins, pulsing in your eardrums as you fall out of reality and into the music. and that is why i love it so much.