Wednesday, January 19, 2011

every time i want to remember you..
i close my eyes..
i haven't seen you in so long..
i close my eyes..
the first thing that i remember
is that picture of you..
wearing that dark blue hat..outside of starbux...
u were wearing a beige sweater..
and had a thicker beard then usual..
i remember your gaze in the picture
i feel like that picture spoke to me..
calling out for me..
i longed to be there with you
i long to be with you..
i daydream all the time..
most of my day im thinking of you..
my mind keeps drifting to you..
i get mad at myself..
im forgetting
i dont want to forget..
i dont remember anymore..
it was so long ago..
it hurts so much that i dont remember..
i forgot so many things..
but what i will always have is the way that u made me feel..
i feel small and inadequate now..
no one has ever made me feel that special..
i close my eyes again..
thinking of you..
looking so handsome.
you hugged me so tight
that u cried..
i couldn't believe it u cried..
i long for that hug
i long for that day
its not healthy to think about u like this..
i cant help myself..
i try
i try
till today songs on the radio remind me of you.
i cant even listen to them..
it hurts so bad..
i wish that one day you pick up the fone and call me..
and tell me
that you miss me
and that you will always love me..
its pathetic that i still have hope..
i wait for news that you guys ended ur marriage.
i know thats mean..
but i think that we are meant to be..
and that we are destined to be together..
so naive..
i think deep down im still that naive girl..
yearning for love and attention..
in my sleep i usually wake up with tears..
another day without you..
do you know that ever day i look at my fone
hoping for a msg a call anything from you
every day i wake up a little bit disappointed
every night i dream of you and hope that you come back..
i am lost without you
i am not complete..
if i hear someone talk like that id think there so corny
im not usually the romantic mushy type..
this is from my heart..
i dream of you
i wait for you
i long for you
i am still madly deeply in love with you..
to my sadness and despair..this is still the case..
dear god..please get me out of this..
i want to be ok
i want to move on..
i will go to bed..
still with hope in my heart..
Love is something I’ve been cautious of. You know this, because you were there when he broke my heart. It had been coming for a while, but that night my world shattered. You saved me. I lost myself in you quickly, you were everything I needed. You never pressured me, and you kissed me in ways he hadn’t in months. You knew where I was coming from, because you had done it to her.
Love is not something I was looking for. I just needed an escape, but falling asleep in your arms night after night and your perfect smile caught me off-guard. We were never too serious, but we were each others. We needed each other to mend. And so we did.
It has been almost a year and a half since I could spend my every day with you. You left, and I went to discover the world. Somehow, we never stopped being each other’s. Somewhere along the way, we fell in love.
Now, we hang in limbo. The way I need you never seems to fade, but yours comes and goes like the wind. You tell me you love me, and then you fight with your heart and try to keep yourself away. Of course it isn’t easy, but we’ve always made it work. We’re both hanging on for the time in our lives where we end up in the same place. We both know it’s going to be worth it.
So whatever you do, just don’t let go of me now.
The message i sent to my lover when he ended things telling me he all of a sudden had no time for or relationship...
There's so much left unsaid that It's got to a point where I'm a mess. I can't keep trying.
I won't lie; I still hope you'll call & probably won't move on properly till you do.
I'm confused that you were just going to leave it though you know what I'm feeling.
Being openly emotional isn't something I do so you know I'm really trying.
We've both had unsuccessful relationships & it kills that you won't give us a chance.
I just wanted to be there for you. No drama, just me & you.
Despite what you have going on I'd support you not stress you. You say your life has a schedule,
I could've worked with that; all I wanted was your time, however much or little.
I need you to know that I would've been different. No lies, control, cheating or games.
Think of the time we spent together. You know we'd have been good for each other.
You made me feel things I'd never felt before then took it away as if it was nothing.
As if I was nothing. No explanation. Imagine how that feels.
I don't know if it's because of what happened or because you truly don't want someone right
now but you will soon enough, we all do, & I'm here. Still wanting you just the way we were.
If you felt everything you said you did you could balance it. But I can't force that.
You have your reasons. I just wish you didn't.
You mean so much to me & you can't tell giving up on us makes you happy.
I meant it when I said I loved you.
We had something. Maybe it's over. Maybe you need time.
Either way my feelings won't change.
How many times have I betrayed you? There are betrayals in battle that are infinitesimal compared to my betrayals of you.
I pushed off, away, and against. What was not broken, I destroyed. What you did not care to know, I found out.
You let me. Other times you didn’t let me go easily and I would fight. Sometimes I would get so angry I wouldn’t be able to remember what I said. Then I would leave. Sometimes I wouldn’t come back.
One time, I left and got really lost, in more ways than one. I couldn’t get out of bed. I stayed there in the dark for days. Was it the third day that you opened my door and sat down on my bed? I couldn’t get the words out from inside (I’m lost).
I filled the aching void with tears instead. You cried too.
Get up, you said softly, tears running down your cheeks and wetting my hands. This isn’t you. It’s time to get up.
You didn’t open the window, and you closed the door when you left a minute later.
I lay there, in the darkness. All my darkness.
I was lost, too close to that precipice.
I came upstairs a few hours later, still lost. I think you knew that.
That day you came down into my room, I realized that down in my room, the only one who remembered me was you. That was the year I didn’t know my own reflection in a mirror. That was the year only you found what I had lost.
I remember the day the fog lifted. I was back. I was also almost eight thousand miles away, living in an ancient English castle. I had fled there to find myself, and when I did I realized you’d never once lost me. You were just waiting until I found what you’d known all along. Thank you for waiting, for guarding, for keeping.
I quit running to the unknown after that day. The problem with running towards the void is that it’s incredibly likely you’ll get consumed by all of the uncertainty of the unknown.
I realize that now.
It’s your birthday today. I sat down intending to write something that could somehow express just how much I love you. Instead, I ended up overwhelmed by just how much you love me.
This is the first part of what I know.
Love is a species of flame.
And although all the rest of what I do not know cries out to me (and I must go and know it) I need you to understand—you are my North star. My touchstone. The origin from which I run.
Ultimately, I am always journeying back to you.

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