I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.

 Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together

Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.

Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.

He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men

I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...

i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.

Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.

She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year

She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am

She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..