I have a weird family.

Dinner table. 

Mom:  Kaitlyn get off your phone

Me: Hold on I'm telling Colin he's a dick for bailing today but that i still love him because he is my husband (looking down at phone typing 100 words a minute)

Marissa: I like pie. Let's eat my pie now

Me: Marissa shut up and make your taco.

Dad: Get off your phone.

Me: No. I am busy. I will when we start eating

Dad: Who are you talking to? What guy is it today Kaitlyn?

Me: MY HUSBAND sheeeshh dad.

Mom: Make your tacos

Marissa sorts through the pile of tortillas. FInd the 2 lightest ones. My mom tells her to pick one. She holds them up trying to decide which one is lighter. I grab one and put it on my plate. She slams the other tortilla down on her plate and wrestles me for my plate. I finally let go. She puts the other plate in front of me. Thanks. 

Mom: How was dance?

Marissa: Well we talked about mean girls more in Chase's class today. He loves mean girls. And we stretched. A lot. I have to go stretch more later. 

Mom: How's your head?

Me: It feels like someone filled it with razor blades and then shook it. It feels wonderful.

Dad: (says nothing.. is pouting)

Mom: WHERE'S MY FORK! (searches kitchen for it)

Dad: Lisa... its right here

Mom: SHE TOOK MINE!

Me: Someone's a little bit drunk

Mom: Not at all.

Me: Whatever you say! (smiles jokingly)

Dad: See its all my fault. You are both a pain in my ass and it's all my fault right?

Me: Basically.

Marissa: (puppy dog eyes) No.... its not your fault daddy

Me: Shut up marissa. 

Marissa: I'm cutting my pie!

Mom: No.

Me: Ew. Mexican food and pie?

Mom: Not at the same time.

Marissa: (gets up and cuts pie. mom walks over)

Mom: Marissa you only cut 6 pieces

Marissa: OH NO!

Me: Cut each one in half

Marissa: Then we'd have 16 pieces!

Me: Uhmm no babe...

Mom: You'd have 12

Marissa: (starts slicing pie)

Mom: oh wait.. there was 8 pieces

Me: You would. 

Dad: Too many margaritas?

Mom: If that was all it took this would be our daily dose.

we all sit down with our pie.

Dad: Mexicans like pie too.

we all look at him and start laughing hysterically

Me: WHAT????

Dad: You said Mexican food doesn't go good with pie. Well mexicans like pie too!

Me: Oh my god..

Marissa: (CHoking on whipped cream) 

Me: Me and Loran had a conversation about asian people

Marissa: I like asians.

Me: Awesome. He talked about how they smelled bad.

Dad: What?

Me: Ya... hahah

Marissa: Asian people like pie too.

Mom: YEs. Their Moon pie!

Dad: like Mumbai "Hi I'm from Moon pie india"

Mom: Mumbai is in Africa

Dad: No. It's in india hahahha

Me: Mom its Moon CAKE not moon pie. 

Marissa: HAHHAHHHAHA IM GOING TO PEE

Dad: HAHA oh god.

Mom: DONT PEE ON THE BLANKET!!!

Me: I like that blanket..

Marissa: AHAHHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHA.... AHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHA

Me: I am going to kill you if you pee on that. 

Marissa: Okay. I didn't pee.

Then... i left. 

THANK GOD COLIN COULDN'T COME TUTOR ME TONIGHT BECAUSE HE WOULD HAVE EXPERIENCED THE MOST MESSED UP DINNER EVER. AND I LEFT SOME STUFF OUT.  i would have died.