rewind: redo what you messed up. what you regret. replay that day when you felt so in love, so happy- that smile that could not be wiped away from your face. rewind and see that person you've been missing for so long and the last thing they said to you. replay that night. rewrite that text. say i love you and mean it instead of just mouthing the words

pause: stop in the moment. look in their eyes. feel the butterflies in your stomach. stop to think about what you are doing. don't fuck this up kid. don't fuck this up. stay in this moment forever because it is so perfect, so real.

play: just live life in the moment. go at your own pace. there's no need to speed up or go back, just go with the flow and don't stop for anyone.

stop: process. don't move. don't say anything. mental health day needed. shut down, go to sleep, hibernate, die for a day. relax and take a moment to think because you don't wanna mess this up again. 

fast forward: get the hell out of here. run. don't turn back. look and see where you will be and think ahead. don't you dare stop running until you fade into the sunset.

i never loved you i loved the man i thought you were. you turned out to be wrong about everything i ever thought about you. you turned out to be a liar. you turned out to be a cheat. you turned out to be what i wished you were but nothing that i needed. i needed someone to keep me safe and you put me in the light where i could get hurt.

what defines us is how well we rise after falling. no one cares how many times we try and stand up, its when you actually do that counts. people will constantly try and knock you down but when you get back up on your feet again it proves that you can do anything

a typical day in the day of the life of me basically...

someone bring me sushi or chinese or something!! that sounds so good.... rice. soy sauce. potstickers. hot and sour soup. teriyaki steak. yummm. can you tell im hungry??

DRUG WARNING: ‘CHARLIE SHEEN’ THE NEW HOT THING?

Fourty year old “Two and a Half Men” star, Charlie Sheen, has once again stolen the limelight, taking a moment to educate us about his use of illegal substances. When speaking to Andrea Canning on 20/20, Sheen said, “I am on a drug. It’s called Charlie Sheen.’ It is not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body.” This serves as a warning to all Charlie Sheen lovers, followers, and wannabes. The drug is lethal and may be the cause of past actions that left society questioning his morality and sanity.  In 1990, Sheen accidentally shot his finacee, Kelly Preston, in the arm. He claims it was an accident, but the relationship quickly ended. He was also accused of spending tens of thousands of dollars on prostitutes and threatening his various adult film star girlfriends, wifes, and the current woman in his life,third wife, Brooke Mueller. Perhaps the new fad he created of using “Charlie Sheen” led to his current breakdown. This drug should be reported if seen because it may cause you to believe that you have Tiger blood and Adonis DNA, that they are dealing with “fools and trolls”, that they have the magic to do what they would like in the world and that you are high preists- vatican assassin warlocks. Users of the drug are dangerous, believing they have a different constitution where they do not have to treat people as people and they can rant for hours about winning and their fire-breathing fists. Sheen, along with other users of the drug, have been said to deny that they have a disease, saying, “I have a disease? No. I cured it with my brain.” They are in total denial about their current state and need to be looked after. They also believe in a term called “bi-winning” which means winning some here and some there. Wide eyed stares and crazy gestures are quiet common, so do not be alarmed. Often, they walk up to random desks and say, “Here is your cold coffee, buh-bye.” Take the coffee and do not argue. These users could snap at any moment and begin ranting or accidently shoot you like one of their adult film stars. Beware and take precautions to avoid an accidental encounter!

i wonder if it's possible to have a love affair that lasts forever. 

...ignorance is bliss...

sometimes you get lucky enough to have someone walk into your life that stays there forever

there's always that one kid in your class where you want to just scream SHUT THE HELL UP YOU ARE PISSING ME OFF. but you can't because that would just be "mean" right? Stop sitting on my desk and talking to me and taking my stuff and asking how i am i don't want to talk to you. i dont want to hear your annoying jokes or any of the shit you say that you think is witty... its not.

sexy boys- please leave europe now and come to america

it's raining. the wind is shaking the trees outside. my room is freezing. happy first day of spring.

things that i love.

besides my family and friends and all of that of course...

1. blasting music with the windows down driving but not having anywhere to go.

2. making pancakes in my underwear sunday morning

3. starbucks coffee. venti skinny cinnamon dolce lattes or toffee mochas or passion fruit iced tea with raspberry sweetener

4. john mayer on tuesday nights when everything seems to be going wrong.

5. the doors. jim morrison is my love.

6. swimming in the jacuzzi in the rain

7. raybans from like 2 decades ago

8. red nail polish

9. leopard print nails 

10. lace. lace. lace.

11. victoria's secret.. it's magical there

12. hugs from behind

13. daisies tucked behind my ear in the summer time

14. corsages. i dont know why but i love them

15. when he sang for me. his voice was my favorite

16. laying in bed all day because i can

17. how i can take someone's voice and say "his voice sounds like scratching on a vinyl record of honey and marlboro cigarettes, desert lilies and black coffee" because i think that is beautiful that i was given a gift like that. i wouldn't give it up for the world

18. the fact that i am my own person now.

19. that i am always going to be daddy's little girl

20. how i am talking to the hottest guy at my school right now.. they voted. he won. hell yes.

21. polaroid pictures

22. shoe boxes full of memories

23. my beige high heels and red ones.. and my jimmy choo's and stuff. i am obsessed. i have a problem.

24. how pictures catch moments in time

25. my party purse

26. when they kiss my hair

27. red lipstick

28. beach sex hair

29. slow dancing because you feel like it

30. red convertible mustang= my life

31. youtube videos they make me laugh

32. being albino

33. bad gal bad lash mascara!

34. meeting new people

35. BCBG jacket that i live in now

36. babies. 

37. eminem. lil wayne. you get the idea <3

38. turning into a stripper because a good song for dancing comes on

39. leonardo dicaprio- he is amazing

40. hot cheetos

41. kissing best friends and not caring because you obviously aren't a lesbian. you are just their best friend.

42. finally telling someone how you feel about them

43. walking. 

44. my secret bench

45. my chiropractor- she is magic.

46. my little jar of memories and keepsakes that look like nothing but mean everything.

47. having the ability to cry. since we were born its been a sign that we were alive. 

48. laying in the dark blasting music trying to forget

49. bob marley and blackberry cabernet sorbet

50. miss dior cherie.

51. passing cute notes in class

52. getting hooked on nutella

53. cuddling with someone and never wanting to let go

54. when you are standing at the door anxiously waiting for them to open it and then they open it and your world spins

55. reading a cute text and smiling like an idiot.

56. boys who smell good

57. dating sexy boys.

58. secret relationships. they are more dangerous, more exclusive,more intimate, and a hell of a lot more fun.

59. boys with tattoos

60. playing with guy's hair- i do that a lot.

61. when little kids do really cute things that make you smile and make up for the fact that they are a pain in the ass

62. chipotle.

63.sitting on the kitchen floor after getting into a flour fight and laughing and eating cookie dough

64. kissing pictures. they tell a lot about a couple.

65. facebook fights. they are so trashy and so hilarious.

66. good morning text messages and good night phone calls

67. being behind the camera

68. cooking. it is one of my passions in life behind writing and photography

69. chips and salsa

70. my baby mojo

71. my dresser with writing all over it

72. acrylics

73. mac lipglass

74. the fact that i know i have boobs but people feel the need to continue to inform me

75. working at shea

76. my babies- jaidyn and lauren

77. plugging in to my ipod and shutting everyone else out

78. good night phone calls

79. having someone speak to me in a different language

80. quotes quotes quotes

81. proving people wrong.

82. acoustic guitar and piano

83. notebooks full of chicken scratch

84. my rings- the indian one and the tiffany's one are glued to my hand

85. national parks i have been to more than a few

86. late night movie seshes where you just laugh and cry and live through the film

87. nicknames

88. facebook. its addicting. 

89. being single for the first time in like a year and a half

90. holidays

91. family dinners that go way too far

92. finding funny notes that you don't expect

93. being able to say what i want when i want

94. hugs from my grandma

95. fighting then making up because you were in a stupid fight in the first place

96. laughing until you cry

97. girl scout cookies.

98. the power of delete

99. remembering phone numbers

100. butterflies.

i think i am finally coming to terms with the fact i am albino. 

be who you wanna be. and don't listen to what anyone else has to say about it.

corky's. sweats. no makeup. messy bun. flip flops. zip up hoodie. raybans. walks in with starbucks. orders a huge breakfast burrito- hash browns- biscuits and gravy- and chips and salsa- at 10 AM. it's completely normal we only got about 19238021938120 weird looks about what was on our table hahaha

baby snooki! and look she's eating pickles...

dear heart,

you can let go now. because me and him let go a long time ago and i never want to remember his face or that look in his eyes ever again because it kills me a little every time i see him. and i want to pretend he never existed. he was my first love. he taught me how to let go. he made me free. and then he held me back. and then he made me a trapped bird in a cage. and then he forced me to explain to him why i did the things i did. and i am done. i am tired of being his pumpkin- his girl- because i want him to mean nothing to me any more- just like i mean nothing to him. i want him to feel the pain he made me feel because he doesn't understand. i want to forget the flowers in my hair and burnt feet from hot pavement and piggy back rides and all of that shit that was so cliche. i want to forget being his little princess. because i don't want to be little any more. and i don't want to be that stupid lonely princess in a tower, waiting for my real prince charming.

sincerely,

a girl who really wants to fucking let go now.

you keep kissing frogs pretty baby because one day you are going to find your prince charming and you'll be happy you kissed all those ugly toads who didnt deserve to be kissed in the first place

listen to the words that im trying to let escape my lips. listen to what i have to say because im tired of being a shell of the girl i wanna be im tired of being silenced by who you want me to be because thats not who i am

all i want you to do is smile back at me and kiss my neck and hold my hand and hug me from behind and be my one. my only one. but you can never be that for me because you know that i could never be that for you. how unfortunate 

you know that if you love me i'll break you. you know that if you let yourself fall into the depths of my arms- my heart- my smile that there is no coming back. 

love is a prison, you can't break free

take time to realize, that your warmth is crashing down on it.

take time to realize, that i am on your side

didn't i, didn't i tell you

but i can't spell it out for you, no it's never gonna be that simple

no i can't spell it out for you

if you just realize what i just realized, then we'd be perfect for each other

and will never find another

just realize what i just realized, we'd never have to wonder if we missed out on each other now.

take time to realize- oh i am on your side

didn't i, didn't i tell you

take time to realize, this all can pass you by.

didn't i tell you. 

you are a cinema, i could watch forever

calling someone ugly doesn't make you any prettier, calling someone fat doesn't make you any skinnier, and calling someone stupid doesn't make you any smarter.

the 90's were not a good decade...

In 99 Big L. Died

In 98 Fat Pat Died

In 97 Biggie Smalls Died

In 96 Tupac Died

In 95 Eazy-E died

In 94 Justin Beiber was born

i know that it's pathetic to be missing you and me when me and you were only me and you for a few seconds. a few moments in time that i wouldn't give up for the world. 

what's popular isn't always right and what's right isn't always popular

i took the CHASEE last Tuesday and Wednesday. The math that was on it was from like 5th, 6th, 7th, and 8th grade... too bad we aren't learning that in high school math! i dont know how the hell to do area and percents and to calculate slopes and shit. its like from when we were little shouldn't you be giving us algebra or something that we would at least know?? the english was super easy though. such a waste of my time. give it to the kids in 8th grade and they can pass high school

oh my god- he's like a little mini teddy bear@!@$*&# i want him 

you have no idea how broken i am right now. but it doesn't matter because you laugh while i cry. you are out having the time of your life while im still all choked up inside. and i dont know where me and you went. i dont know where the love has gone. 

stop bitching about how much you hate your life- at least you're alive. 

no one cares if you are mad at your parents. no one cares if the boy you like doesn't like you. no one cares if you are sad. no one cares if you and your best friend get in a fight. no one cares that you got an F on your english test or that you got a ticket because you were driving too fast. no one cares about how drunk you got or who you hooked up with. no one cares if you get grounded. no one cares if you like someone. no one cares if you got a new really cute shirt. no one cares when you are whining about how cold it is or how hungry you are. no one cares because it is annoying. and honestly- 80% of the people are glad you have problems and the other 20% dont really care- at all. so you are not doing yourself any favors. you could be dead. you could not be here so stop complaing how much you hate your life and just live your life. be happy for god's sake. because im sick of hearing you bitch when you have it so good. you aren't a starving child in africa, you have a house, you have a place to sleep, you are getting an education, you have money, etc etc etc. so you've got it good. you have clean water to drink and you have a family. look at all the people that don't even have that and then ask if i feel bad for you.

Even if i tried to put myself in that kid's shoes, i wouldn't fit, because my steps have too much pride to fit in his small feet.

i want one.

dear heart-

i would like to leave you. but i can't because you make all my decisions. you are fogging up the process of things. i can't choose what's right. what's wrong. i can't decide what makes things the way they need to be. i can only decide what i want. it is all your fault.

love-

brain

eat cake. it makes everything better. or at least that's what paula dean says about butter?

i keep reaching. i keep waiting. i keep dreaming. hardly breathing. i keep wishing. i keep missing. missing you in my arms. 

we fear violence less than our own feelings. personal, private, solitary pain is more terrifying than what anyone else can inflict.